Leaving Something Good

I have a really good W2 job.

I work on renewable energy, at scale. It’s both good for the world (I hope), and absolutely fascinating engineering.

We use functional programming, and I love it. Completely changed how I think about programming. It’s the closest I’ve felt to playing Factorio IRL.

My director and VP are amazing. My VP is the smartest person I’ve ever worked with. Insane recall. My director is the incredibly compassionate and excels at engineering strategy. He quotes Jung, frequently. They’re an amazing pair to work with and learn from.

My coworkers are incredibly driven and smart. The environment is dynamic, and exciting. I’m stretching my abilities most weeks.

The pay is great. Like more money than I would have thought possible 5 years ago.

But there’s something wrong still

My direct manager is a complete asshole. He’s an asshole to everyone, so it’s not directed at me specifically. Everyone agrees he’s an asshole, he even knows he’s an asshole. But doesn’t stop it from being difficult.

I’m also souring on the mission. I’m not convinced batteries + solar are the complete solution to the worlds energy needs. I’m concerned that solar panels and batteries can’t be produced at the required scale.

They’ll definitely play a part. But it’s not the complete solution - that’s either Fission or Fusion. Take your pick.

There’s a deeper issue though

3 years ago I was depressed. Through a lot of hard work and experimentation I got out of it. Lot of factors helped - exercise, therapy and introspection, changing where I lived, twitter community. Getting a lyme’s disease diagnosis and treating that as well.

I almost view it like I’m waking up from a long foggy dream. As I wake up, I crave agency more than anything. I won’t go back to feeling like I wasn’t in control. I’m close now.

I enjoy going to work almost every day, but I want to go to work on Monday and not feel like it’s a requirement. I want to feel like it’s a luxury that I get to work. I resent the feeling of “have to”, even if the work is amazing. I want to be in a situation where every day I “get to” do my work.

I want to start every day charting my own course, for better or worse. There’s something about that, there’s a sense of accountability when you are off on your own.

I want to build something. I want to craft something beautiful the way I see the world. I want to test my ideas, and learn from reality.

I want to be less sheltered. I want to feel the market. Working at a large company, you just can’t. You’re too sheltered.

Here’s what I want:

• Ownership - My work product is mine. My work is tied directly to the earnings. I am not a slave to someone else’s capital
• Skin in the Game - My decisions matter. Everything matters.
• Great engineering - From the ground up I build great tools. My work is productive. My codebase is functional.
• Meaning - the project I’m working on matters for improving the world.
• Exploration of the Unknown - I build in a place where no one has been before.
• Freedom of time - I make my hours, long or small.

Where else have I felt this?

The closest I’ve ever come to these feelings is windsurfing. When you’re out on the water it’s something else. You’re on your own. Things matter.

If you fall off the board in the middle of the bay, no one is going to save you. You have to get back on, pull up your sail, and keep going. Quitting isn’t an option, you’ll die.

Things matter. What I do matters.

When you need a break and sail to a beach, you tend to be the only one there. You get to marvel at how with the wind and a sail you can explore the ocean. You see the beauty of the empty stormy beach.

In windsurfing you rarely have freedom of time - the wind is up when it’s up. You have some leeway, but the wind decides for you when you’re sailing.

I get very few opportunities to windsurf in my life now. Maybe once or twice a year. But I see now that the same thing that pulls me towards windsurfing is what is pulling me towards founding a company. The adrenaline, the fear, the stakes. The challenge of a lifetime is ahead. And I’m finally ready.